Less than Legendary

I've seen a bunch of commercials from Domino's recently. Unfortunately, these commercials aren't heralding the extreme value of the 555 deal (one of the greatest pizza inventions since adding cheese to breadsticks [bonus sub parentheses...notice that I didn't cite the cheese in the crust as the former greatest invention? That's because that joke's way past its prime])

Anyway, the commercials are all about these American Legend pizzas. Yes, these are pizzas that are somehow patriotic...real American pizza that you should order, especially since you might now be unemployed and unable to afford really authentic pizza.

But I really don't get this whole legend thing. I looked over the choices...these pizzas are legendary...and American???

George Washington is an American Legend...

Abraham Lincoln is an American Legend...

Hulk Hogan! There's your god damned American Legend!

But pizza? Can that be truly legendary???

Perhaps...but it's definitely more likely to come from an experienced Chicago deep dish artisan, as opposed to Amulfo...the guy who actually does make my pizzas when I order from Domino's. And by 'makes,' I mean he takes the frozen sheet in whatever size I pick and sprinkles on the allotted amount of my selected toppings.

His name is actually Amulfo by the way, I know that thanks to Domino's cool pizza tracker when you order online. Some people doubt it's genuine...but I say who are they to question Amulfo's honor?

That's an aside however, because while I know the Domino's American Legends aren't legendary...I'm also damn sure they barely register as American!

On this point you may object. How can I, a native Philadelphia, decry pizzas earmarked as American when they include the 'Philly Cheesesteak Pizza' ???

Easy...they aren't American ENOUGH!

If it were a REAL American Legend pizza, it would be covered in 32 pounds of cheese!

If it were a REAL American Legend pizza, it would be the size of a city block, would cost only 19.99, and would come with a free Sham-WOW!

If it were a REAL American Legend pizza, it boast 36 different meat toppings, half from a pig, and half from a wide swath of the animal kingdom including at least 2 endangered/extinct species (because it's not really American without a slice of Bengal Tiger or Spotted Owl)

Wow, I am so hungry right now