Cover Letters and the Human Response

I officially hate cover letters. I don’t care if they’re a necessary evil, I can still hate them. At its core, the average cover letter always says the same thing.

“Dear firm X,

It’s been my lifelong dream to work at firm X, ever since I found out you hire at my school and everyone else wants to work for you. Wisdom of crowds right? I’m not sure exactly what your company does, management banking? investment consulting? whatever, as long as it completely both satisfies me personally and pays me a shitload of money. Oh, and gives me a good work-life balance, so maybe like 40 hours a week? I know that your firm will do this, because you’re totally awesome, probably for reasons you posted on your web site or mentioned in your job posting.

Did I mention that I am the most awesome person ever? In case you were totally oblivious, I go to business school, which is like a really big deal. Yeah, we can’t tell you what our grades are, but trust me, I’ve learned a lot and could probably run your company in like 2 weeks. I know I don’t exactly have direct experience doing what your firm does, but I totally have tons of transferable skills. I beat Minesweeper advanced in less than 2 minutes and can keep like 5 internet explorer windows going at once.

In conclusion, I’m sure that if you hire me, I would be the single greatest business addition since that cheese that goes inside the pizza crust. If you need your paradigms shifted, then look no further. In fact, if you don’t hire me, I guarantee that you will suffer tremendously, and then cease to exist, because I will have joined a competitor, and vanquished you mightily. Keep that in mind.

Sincerely,

the most awesomest candidate ever”